Wake Me From This Fog

It is interesting to reread what you once wrote...it does give some insight.  Recently my depression has been pretty bad.  I've been searching for a solution, or a cure, for which there is not.  I was reading about chronic depression and interesting enough the paper said that those who have chronic depression...it becomes part of their personality.  This thought is really reassuring.  A depressive personality.  I have to admit I'm tired of meds that offer very little.  I believe my depression is resistant to most meds to date I've been on Effexor, Paxil, Prozac, Welbutrin, Abilify, Lamictal, Adderal, Vyvanse.  I've gone as far as to look into ECT (shock) but it causes memory loss and short term benefits.  At this point I feel like my brain has developed wrong and though I can try to form new pathways, my normal will still be different than most.

This sadness/apathy is different than I've had in the past. Every single day I wake up I feel like grounds hog day. I wake up, eat, go to work, come home, eat, go to bed.  I have so little energy, it is so amazing how tired I am all the time.  I find very little meaning/happiness to life.  Overall I feel life as an obligation.  I wake up and wonder why I am bothering to wake up.  I know low self esteem, wrong medications, new job, work all contribute to this.  I feel inadequacy at work, as a partner,not pretty and not capable. 

Not wanting to wake up is new for me, not suicidal but something else.  Given the rate I am going I need to change quick.  I can't find any solutions, so I need to make lif

e not the same everyday.  I need to wake up from this fog.

Trying Not to Be My Mom

Here I sit listening to Jewell trying to get in touch with who I am, where I am going and what to do next.  It's as if I have a numbness within, like I am watching life happening to me and around me.  Paxil contributes the numbness.  Without paxil, I'm anxiety driven with apathy, but with paxil I can be slightly driven in certain direction yet feel very little towards it.  I am 25 years old, a

lmost 26.  I never thought I'd be taking pills everyday to cope with life, with side effects of no libido, heavy sweating and weight gain...yet without it I can no longer function.  Yet I am barely functioning now, failed my second class towards my BSN, instead of coping I just stopped doing what I needed to.  It is disheartening knowing I will always function less than most everyone.  Everyday I look in the mirror I hope I am not becoming more like my "mom".  Even with meds, she falls short of a mom.  I always knew she was having a good day when she had make up on.  My good days include showering and maybe some cleaning.  Sad that is what my life has equated to.  I've lost my dream of wanting kids because I can barely function taking care of myself.  The hardest part is knowing I've accomplished so much and can seem put together, have a self awareness of my illness, but unable to relate the depth to which mental illness affects all aspects of life.  When you are physically ill people understand, there are often test that are positive to indicate an illness.  Mental illness cares a stigma and unrelateable to others.  Snap out of it, just get up and do what you have to do is often thoughts that cross my mind.  Yet I am paralyzed on the couch, carrying the huge weight of guilt from accomplishing very little.  It is to the point I can't remember minute to minute, and my concentration, or lack there of doesn't allow me to read more than a few pages at once.  I know I need a change at work, yet the thought of change scares me more than the high stress I have currently.  More so than anything I just want to ride the waves of life and not drown or give up and go ashore with the passing tides.  I am not devastatingly sad,  just know I can't live my life on repeat anymore.

Oh Goodbyes

Life is so hard to balence. We try to save everyone, once my pastor told me I am not the savior. Maybe it is right, but how do you cope with your mom and step dad simply being uneducated...would rather spend money on smokes, caffine pills, and cable. They are so wimsy with their limited means and would rather not have garbage serve or my mothers bipolar medication...and not a thing in the frigde. I couldn't imagine looking forward to the food bank and rejecting help...bc they refuse to change.
Is wrong for me to expect my family to change? I feel horrible bc I feel little connection to them and almost feel distain. How can some people be so dirty and hords...and refuse to grow up.
Why is it that my family can call if they need help, but I never get a hey how are you. I can't remember when I spoke to my dad-bill last. He messaged me on facebook recently just to ask for vicodin...as if I have those. I feel he's a low life pill popper. My whole family is disfunctional.
Maybe the problem is me...maybe I'm a judgemental little witch. But how much can you give without even a hi.
We try to protect people in our life to save them hurt...but while trying not to have secrets can be tricky. Is the lie of omission better than what actually is said. Lose lose....I just need to work with this trainer and forget my former family.
I am motherless
I am sisterless
I am an adult opthran...
Maybe goodbye will heal my hate, because being close only is making me more hateful.


That is all for today I need to get to class.

Life in a Day

So this weeks topic in the collab we are in is...a day in your life.
So what is it to a life that separates it from another. What makes a "good life"? This my question to myself.
After watching The Devils Advocate...reminds me how priorities change so quickly. Once I clung to religion as if it were my saving grace. Now I realize people use religion to find strength in themselves...otherwise would be unfound...nothing wrong with that. Without the purpose religion gives oneself...then what does someone live for? Is it easier to believe some guy in the sky is why we are alive...and oh one day it will be so great, there will be gum drops rainbows and butterflies. Maybe I am just a skeptic. Finding the answer in "god" goes against our nature to question---or maybe for some "god" is found when questioning.
I myself wish I could be spiritual...maybe it would make my soul feel more alive. Maybe I in general have lost touch thrill in the human experience overall. Being hurt and feeling unloved by my own family make you feel a little less and numbs myself. I am trying to overcome the anger...so it doesn't consume me. I know the anger I feel from all the wrong doings...is really hurt. My anger still allows those who've hurt me to still have a say...still have control. Slowly I hope to let go a little more. I know holidays, birthdays, graduation, and starting a family will tear open my wounds where scars have begun to settle. I just can't allow others to treat me less than or have stipulations to our relationships.
My depression is not currenlty overwhelming...but the clearity of my thoughts are often hard to get to. My words are drawn out and finishing sentenses are hard at times. Medications didn't help much, so I don't know the right direction to go in.
These blogs I know will be random...but it is an outlet to sort out life...and write what I feel...right or wrong.

Commitment to Self

Today I am making a commitment to myself.
I vow to:
Respect myself
Invest in myself
Eat better for my body
Care for my body
Care for my mind...start writing and expressing myself
Allow Positivity Only
Enrich my life
Concentrate on us...let things fall into place
Get healthy...mentally and physically
Get organized
Budget better
Have fun and let lose!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
This I vow to myself

Passion

Reading a blog from a fellow blogger made me realize how I've lost touch with a part of myself which allowed me to express myself. I've allowed myself get angry...mad...and upset yet I don't think I've let myself morn losses in my life.
From the time I was little till now, my life has been such a whorl wind. My father pretty much told he had to leave my mom bc he was beating my sister. To a step dad. Having two sister I lived with. Melody couldn't stand me, and Shannon wild and crazy. The house getting more and more dirty and my mothers mental illness getting worse and worse. My mother getting glass shars in her neck from Jeff, which she still has scars from it. Moving every year. Mothers mental illness getting worse and worse. I got made fun of because I was the fat unclean kid...without good clothes. My mother never helped me learn anything for school, and the schools passed me on bc I was nice and they didn't want to put up with me. Only dad I had was an alcholic step dad who was nice but...he was who he was. I had to remind him when I lost a tooth that the tooth fairy didn't come and he'd give me 50 cents. Fighting between my mom and step dad was out of control...my mother tried to kill my step dad with a whisky bottle...and I 1o years old or so, on my knees begging my mom to please drop the bottle...tears falling off my cheeks. My mother did drop it...but every other time they faught my mom would pull out the phones from the wall so I couldn't call 911. Neighbors felt bad for me...but the cops did nothing much. Finally I called my father to just get a break...this is no kids life. I was told I was a little bitch for leaving my mom...then with dad...he put me on a no carb diet and made to walk the streets of down town chicago...where kids called me a fat ass...then only like 12. I was living with strangers. Then we moved to Columbus...there was a school who finally worked with me...and I had friends...but I didn't get use to it...bc dad and his ex split. Threatened with going back with my mom...my grandma took me in...soon after grandma and pa split and dad moved in...I cleaned and did everything for him...while he didn't have a job but acted like he did. Grandpa came back and dad was out....Drinking at the house was always going on and I was the non drinking bartender. I had to watch my cousins or would be forced to move with my mom....for punishment I was sent to my moms...thats when I got lice....I was called a little bitch then too by my grandma...whenever I had "attitude". Convience by my sister this isn't how life should be I was going to move out...but not before all my stuff was packed and I had to get everything out that day...My sisters was no better I was cinderella who had two jobs. My room a mess bc I myself was going through a mental break....I moved with pastor...soon to be kicked out of there...to go into Melodys house....which ended poorly then...to my gf at the time....which then I was cheated on...I thought it was love...I was devistated....then on my own....racked up credit card debt...on ppl who didn't matter...I thought it was fun but really I was a doormat...."friend kristin" got drunk and lost her rocker and callled me crazy like my mom....soon I moved to Berea...just in time to be Shannons doormat and meet Crazy Jasmine...par for the course. Between all the madness I met Kristin who balenced out all the bad...3 years into our relationship...we had a hicup...but we are strong and all my family out of the picture bc I'm tired of head games...and no friends.
These losses are tremendous...no childhood...no real parents...no real ppl in my life but Kristin. For her I'm grateful. I just want to move on in our life and not let these nobodies keep me down...I'm going to try to limit contact and and associating them as family.
I am strong and I refuse to be paralyzed by them anymore....I'm doing...we are doing so much more than they ever will. And we are to each other what no one ever was and always should been!

And So It Is

Lost in Cyber Space

Well lets see where I am right now. I am working 3 nursing jobs to try to get back on top grabbing the rains of my life. I regret the day I got a credit card. I made ** thousand last year and have nothing to show for it, what a shame. Well hopefully soon this will all turn around. My girlfriend is living with me, which is different learning to live with someone again. Four cats, one apt which is a blast lol. I never give myself enough time for things I need to do so I will try to work on this. Well that's all for today.


Remits linger where we once stood,
You are gone,
Yet I stand strong,
Goodbye is forever,
So impervious,
But the wind freely blows through my hair as it wishes,
I submerge into the water like I do my thoughts,
I drift at sea like a lost soul,
Sometimes you need to be lost to find,
The person who you always were suppose to be,
I am always a paycheck away from being on top,
And one away from losing everything,
Friends a fleeting thought at times,