It is interesting to reread what you once wrote...it does give some insight. Recently my depression has been pretty bad. I've been searching for a solution, or a cure, for which there is not. I was reading about chronic depression and interesting enough the paper said that those who have chronic depression...it becomes part of their personality. This thought is really reassuring. A depressive personality. I have to admit I'm tired of meds that offer very little. I believe my depression is resistant to most meds to date I've been on Effexor, Paxil, Prozac, Welbutrin, Abilify, Lamictal, Adderal, Vyvanse. I've gone as far as to look into ECT (shock) but it causes memory loss and short term benefits. At this point I feel like my brain has developed wrong and though I can try to form new pathways, my normal will still be different than most.
This sadness/apathy is different than I've had in the past. Every single day I wake up I feel like grounds hog day. I wake up, eat, go to work, come home, eat, go to bed. I have so little energy, it is so amazing how tired I am all the time. I find very little meaning/happiness to life. Overall I feel life as an obligation. I wake up and wonder why I am bothering to wake up. I know low self esteem, wrong medications, new job, work all contribute to this. I feel inadequacy at work, as a partner,not pretty and not capable.
Not wanting to wake up is new for me, not suicidal but something else. Given the rate I am going I need to change quick. I can't find any solutions, so I need to make lif
e not the same everyday. I need to wake up from this fog.
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