Trying Not to Be My Mom

Here I sit listening to Jewell trying to get in touch with who I am, where I am going and what to do next.  It's as if I have a numbness within, like I am watching life happening to me and around me.  Paxil contributes the numbness.  Without paxil, I'm anxiety driven with apathy, but with paxil I can be slightly driven in certain direction yet feel very little towards it.  I am 25 years old, a

lmost 26.  I never thought I'd be taking pills everyday to cope with life, with side effects of no libido, heavy sweating and weight gain...yet without it I can no longer function.  Yet I am barely functioning now, failed my second class towards my BSN, instead of coping I just stopped doing what I needed to.  It is disheartening knowing I will always function less than most everyone.  Everyday I look in the mirror I hope I am not becoming more like my "mom".  Even with meds, she falls short of a mom.  I always knew she was having a good day when she had make up on.  My good days include showering and maybe some cleaning.  Sad that is what my life has equated to.  I've lost my dream of wanting kids because I can barely function taking care of myself.  The hardest part is knowing I've accomplished so much and can seem put together, have a self awareness of my illness, but unable to relate the depth to which mental illness affects all aspects of life.  When you are physically ill people understand, there are often test that are positive to indicate an illness.  Mental illness cares a stigma and unrelateable to others.  Snap out of it, just get up and do what you have to do is often thoughts that cross my mind.  Yet I am paralyzed on the couch, carrying the huge weight of guilt from accomplishing very little.  It is to the point I can't remember minute to minute, and my concentration, or lack there of doesn't allow me to read more than a few pages at once.  I know I need a change at work, yet the thought of change scares me more than the high stress I have currently.  More so than anything I just want to ride the waves of life and not drown or give up and go ashore with the passing tides.  I am not devastatingly sad,  just know I can't live my life on repeat anymore.